Little Details

In order to find yourself, are you willing to lose yourself???

This has been a really hard week which makes me look at myself and question why? It’s natural and healthy to question why, to overanalyze small details that should be insignificant but at times are huge. This week I didn’t have my kids. Sure, I didn’t have the typical chaos that surrounds us and envelops us to the point we feel like we’re never sitting down long enough to put on our shoes… with appointments, school pick up and drop off, finding sitters for when I’m in school, shopping, meetings and my Very favorite- last minute showings of my house (its for sale in case you didn’t see the sign because you are blind or live far away).

I’ve come to the decision that I don’t like my own company all that much. Let me explain… I do enjoy a lot of things by myself- cleaning listening to blaring angry music, reading books- apparently what I have done all week. I can totally eat in a restaurant alone and enjoy the food- but of course I always go somewhere that has something I already love. But I’ve been coming home to 2 adorable, sweet, kind hearted and thoroughly loud children. I’m used to having a noisy home. Full of laughter… don’t you love the sound of happy children!?! They aren’t perfect. They love to tease each other which often leads to yelling and eventually tears- but it’s really great because I’m not perfect either. We’re a good match.

I just don’t really know how to be on my own. I know how to be a single parent. That was my life on and off the last year and a half. I just haven’t figured out how to be by myself and be happy. There’s lots of great hobbies I would love to take up- but they take money and I’m still looking for a job. Maybe in a few months… Part of it is probably that I’m still encircled with lots of change. Maybe after I’m working & move I’ll be less pre-occupied with the details and will be able to relax a little more. Doubtful 

Apparently I don’t know how to cook for 1. Everything I make comes out huge. I made French toast for myself the other morning and had it for leftovers the next day- and there’s still more in the fridge. I just successfully made my first meal for 1 tonight. Perogies and caramelized onions- ok I confess, they may have been well done onions- just between you and me! As I pulled out the sour cream from the fridge I couldn’t help but laugh because it’s the 24 oz family size. I doubt me, myself & I could eat THAT much sour cream! I need to buy the little pint sizes. Old habits…

I’ve had several full time moms tell me how much they envy my Part Time Mommyness. Sure, I have the freedom, every other week, to go and do whatever, whenever I want. At first I could tell everyone wanted to keep me busy- I had a Really full Activities Calendar. But this week hasn’t been that way. (Mostly my own choice) I’ve got my first Bio Exam and yet here I am procrastinating away the evening…. The perks have been that I’ve actually taken naps this week! Woo Hoo! And hour long showers. Yeah- other mom’s should be jealous! But the best part is that on Saturday after I dropped my kids off, I cleaned my house- and guess what? You guessed it! It’s still clean!

It’s not all that way though. I really hate how quiet the house gets. Which is why my iPod is on a lot! I miss the snuggles, pensive questions from Brayden and my lil’ vein pusher Hailey. I’ve always considered myself a fairly patient mom in the past but Now- it’s like a hundred times so. I appreciate the time I have with them- I try to make things fun while still retaining structure and routine. They are definitely the best thing I’ve ever done.

That takes me to my Bio class. UGH. I keep waiting for it all to click, pull together into something beautiful and fantastic. My professor is such a cute lady- and she keeps promising that it will get better. I just keep thinking that I’d rather be taking the world’s hardest math class or physics than this Bio class. I am seriously doubting my career choice right now… we’ll see if I pass or fail my exam…

Maybe I should start over from scratch… where is scratch?